*I wrote this Sunday night…
I still go to Arkansas to see family and friends. Now I just have to go visit most of them at the cemetery.
I am not a cemetery kind of girl. I just don’t need to go to a spot to remember someone. But, if I am going to Arkansas anyway, I am going to always stop by.
The last thing I did on my way home today was drive a couple of miles out of my way to go say hi to my grandparents and my mom. It’s been well over a year since I went last. I had a hard time with the drive. I had a hard time turning into the little white church’s parking lot. I had a hard time walking down to the spots where my grandparents and mom are. I always do.
Then, as usual, I just stood there and got pissed because no one takes care of the cemetery and the dirt has eroded in spots on mom and there are huge holes. I always promise her I will bring dirt next time and fix it. I never do.
It’s been a long time since I have cried over the loss of my mother. I mean, I cry. But not the sobbing, hysterical, give myself a headache kind of cry. Today I was reminded that it still hurts and I can still be hysterical about the absence of my mother. After standing over my mom’s grave, talking to her like an idiot, I sat in my car and sobbed. and sobbed. and sobbed. Then I accidentally honked the horn with my head. So I quit sobbing and laughed. I gathered myself and headed toward the interstate. It took me about 150 miles to shake the absolute sadness that had engulfed me. And as I write this now, it comes back.
I say the same things over and over when I write about mom. I really don’t know what else to say. I miss her. I love her. I don’t wish for her back, because I wouldn’t take her back one day sick. But I sure do fucking miss her.
I can’t write anymore. I really have a hard time seeing through these stupid tears.
This is the saddest place in my world. When I see that name with those dates underneath, I am reminded that the pain is still as fresh as it felt on that last day.
(I promise to have many more uplifting, less depressing blogs from my fantastic weekend! This one just needed to be written first I think.)