my sad little spot in my world

*I wrote this Sunday night…

I still go to Arkansas to see family and friends.  Now I just have to go visit most of them at the cemetery.

I am not a cemetery kind of girl. I just don’t need to go to a spot to remember someone. But, if I am going to Arkansas anyway, I am going to always stop by.

The last thing I did on my way home today was drive a couple of miles out of my way to go say hi to my grandparents and my mom. It’s been well over a year since I went last. I had a hard time with the drive.  I had a hard time turning into the little white church’s parking lot. I had a hard time walking down to the spots where my grandparents and mom are. I always do.

Then, as usual,  I just stood there and got pissed because no one takes care of the cemetery and the dirt has eroded in spots on mom and there are huge holes. I always promise her I will bring dirt next time and fix it. I never do.

It’s been a long time since I have cried over the loss of my mother. I mean, I cry. But not the sobbing, hysterical, give myself a headache kind of cry. Today I was reminded that it still hurts and I can still be hysterical about the absence of my mother. After standing over my mom’s grave, talking to her like an idiot, I sat in my car and sobbed. and sobbed. and sobbed. Then I accidentally honked the horn with my head. So I quit sobbing and laughed.  I gathered myself and headed toward the interstate. It took me about 150 miles to shake the absolute sadness that had engulfed me. And as I write this now, it comes back.

I say the same things over and over when I write about mom. I really don’t know what else to say. I miss her. I love her. I don’t wish for her back, because I wouldn’t take her back one day sick. But I sure do fucking miss her.

I can’t write anymore. I really have a hard time seeing through these stupid tears.

This is the saddest place in my world.  When I see that name with those dates underneath, I am reminded that the pain is still as fresh as it felt on that last day.

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(I promise to have many more uplifting, less depressing blogs from my fantastic weekend! This one just needed to be written first I think.)
-m

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6 thoughts on “my sad little spot in my world

  1. Kem says:

    Im sending a big ole Arky Hug your way. The next trip we make to visit Donna it will be different. I too am frustrated with the condition that her spot is in and knowing there is someone there that should be tending to it with a large pile of dirt there to do it with. I am glad you stopped and visited her. I wish we would have been there with you. Lots of Love. Thanks for sharing this. Miss you

    • Melissa says:

      I always wish I could go get some dirt and fix it. But I am a weakling and would probably just kill myself trying to lug bags of dirt to fill it up with!

      love you… thanks for having me! I promise a much better post about you and that lovely man of yours soon!

  2. shoutabyss says:

    She died way too young. I’m sorry.

  3. Lesley says:

    Big hugs lady!!! I know exactly what you are going through. xoxo

  4. katie o. says:

    oh sweets. there are no words i can say to make you feel better, but i have no doubt your mom was one fantastic lady. after all, she made you.

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