2 months later and I am back, i guess

So it’s been almost 2 months since I have been here to write. Honestly, I am so sleepy and still need to shower and it’s about an hour and a half past my bedtime.

My last post was sort of a goodbye to my dad. When I began writing it, I was waiting to get Beck from my aunt, get him to daycare and go back to the hospital to say my final goodbye. Within a few minutes of hitting the publish button, I got the phone call that my dad had passed away. It made me incredibly sad to know he was gone. It made me incredibly happy that as he was leaving this world, I was writing about him, remembering the good things and looking at that photo of him and Beck.

The two months that have followed have been busy, crazy, sad, wonderful, amazing, sleep-deprived and tough.

The week of his death was a whirl wind. With funeral plans to make, family to see, phone calls, texts, emails and facebook messages to answer and a baby to take care of… it was exhausting. This isn’t the first time I have lost a parent. And thankfully it will be the last time. As awful as it is to say… At least I don’t have to worry about my parents dying anymore.

With the time-consuming nature of caring for Beck, and with Tori moving in with me the same week as dad’s death, my world has been busy, busy, busy. Which is absolutely the best thing for me. I have found, over the last 2 months, that down time for me just means I end up sobbing in the shower about things I can’t control.

I miss dad. A lot. I really didn’t realize how much we talked each week until he wasn’t calling me every other day anymore. I had a couple of moments of “oh, I need to call dad and tell him…”, which were followed by some tears and a few deep breaths to regain composure.

I know I have blogged quite often about my mom and how her death has effected my life. I don’t know that I will have the same things to talk about with dad, just because we weren’t as close as I wish we had been, and I did have some bitterness towards him due to his choices in his life. Of course, because I am how I am, that bitterness never made me not love him, or have any hate toward him. Just irritation and sadness. I truly believe that the birth of Beck made him want to get better. Unfortunately it was just too late for his body to heal. At Christmas he really spoke like he was going to get better so that he and Beck could do fun Grandpa/Grandson things. Most of my breakdowns about dad being gone are for the things that Beck lost out on without him here.

It’s been hard to sort through his things (as few things as there are) and decide what to keep and what to donate. I have found a few things that I am saving (a ziggy fireman ashtray that he has had since I was a little girl and his fireman boots and badge for beck to have when he’s older.) I have also held on to some of his clothes that he wore all the time so that I can attempt to make a “Grandpa quilt” for Beck to have when he is older. I wish I had done this with mom’s clothes.

It’s taken me two months to even begin to sort through his life. I still have more to do and the procrastinator in me is a very persuasive girl.

I know I have said it a million times since that week in January but, Thank you to my friends, family, and random people who commented on my blog for all your sweet words, offers for help and love. I am one lucky girl to have the support around me that I do. Without you people in my life, I don’t think I would have much of a life to live.

 

I am going to end this post here. But I hope to go write another post on the heels of this one to update you on my sweet boy.

 

 

-m

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