I have been keeping a secret

 

Not very well, I might add… but I have been keeping it from the World Wide Web.

Now I think I am ready to let you in on my secret.

Some of you already know my secret and I want to thank you for keeping your trap shut on social media. Except Robert and Kim. You guys are horrible at Facebook secrets! (Now you can post all the comments you would like!) Some of you I really, really wanted to tell in person, but the opportunity never presented itself. I apologize for that, but please don’t be mad at me. I might cry.

Ok. So. Here we go.

I am having a baby!

Technically, Brian and I are having a baby. But I will be the one HAVING it. You know, because I am the girl.

Here is a picture of it from 5 weeks ago. That little blob is a baby. Now it’s a baby around the size of a lime and growing bigger every day.

We are expecting our new little one sometime around September 24^th. In about 7 weeks we will know what we are having.

No, it wasn’t planned. Yes, we are terrified, freaked out and absolutely ecstatic. Our new found relationship, based on dinner, movies, drinks and fun times with friends, has been replaced with talks of a baby, the nursery, doctor appointments and me being a T-total, hormonal, crazy bitch. It’s getting better and we are doing dinner and fun times with friends as often as we can. Y’all pray for Brian. He needs the support, because I am not very nice right now.

Let me give you a piece of advice. Don’t buy an 80+ year old home the same week you find out you are pregnant. (Especially when said awesome house becomes the money pit with busted water mains and a leaky roof.) Pregnancy hormones and house/work stress do not mix well.

For all of you who have invited me to do anything involving drinking, bar hopping, having fun, or being awake after 7pm in the past 2.5 months, I hope you understand why I said “no”. Trust me. I want a beer. Or 6. But that will have to wait another 7 months or so.

It’s funny to me that I started my 101 in 1001 list last year. There were several items on that list that I honestly never really thought I would scratch off before the time was up. #21 Baby was one of them. I added it to my list knowing that it probably wouldn’t happen. Ha! What did I know? Nothin! That’s what.  I will accomplish 21. But 22 and 23 (lose 5 pounds and lose 5 more), 27 (Tahiti), and 37 (Vegas) probably are not going to happen. I am ok with this. My nesting phase later is going to wipe most of the rest of the clean. At least I hope so.

I hope now that I am staying awake past 7pm and we have the internet, I will be back here posting more random stuff about my life. I am going to try not to bombard this blog with too much baby stuff. I have other things I want to talk about. Like my new house, my new camera (canon 7d eek!), a contest I entered and an award I won.  I am excited to be among the living again and I feel so much better now that my secret is out!

-m

Random crap in my car

So… the other day I posted a list of stuff I needed to do this weekend. One of those things was to clean out my car and organize all the junk in it. I am going to share with you the list of things in my car. Before you call the men in white coats, please understand that 7+ months ago I moved unexpectedly. All of my things were spread to the 4 corners of the earth. For some reason a couple of boxes stayed in my car. Then my car became a dumping ground for anything and everything else. I haven’t had my own space in 7 month. SO the Xterra became the catch-all. Thankfully I will have a 3 bedroom house in 7 days. Then it can be my dumping ground!

Random crap in my car:

3 Mick Foley books (I have NO idea. Barry let me borrow them.)
1 nintendo power pad (again, thanks to BMFK for this thrift store find)
25 nintendo games (The nintendo was in my car at one time too, but I finally stored it in the house)
2 dog leashes
4 turvis tumblers. new in the box
2 bottles of sun screen
1 pair of heels
1 pair of doc martin boots
1 jdrf shirt
1 frog lunch box
1 pack of Graham crackers (god only knows how long they had been in there… they still looked edible though)
7 finished cross-stitch patterns.
1 belt
1 jacket (not mine. Haven’s)
1 blanket
2 old windshield wipers
1 cook book
1 Pack of goody powder
NYE party favors
1 phone charger (that doesn’t even fit a phone I have)
1 City Dog, Country Frog book
Scratch off lottery cards (we didn’t win)
Silver ribbon
Tissue paper
1 Birthday card (for my friend. her bday was in march)
MST 2000 movie (not mine. Matt’s)
Old Laptop
Laptop charger
Tens unit (not mine. Bree’s)
Intro to psych book (not mine. Dave’s)
Ice scraper (I really could have used this last week.)
Flip flops
Name tag (with my married name on it)
Dental floss
Pie (ice cream pie. that we forgot to take into a friend’s house. last weekend. It’s now in the garbage.)
Air filter (a gift from Robert’s car to mine)
Oil
Emergency road side kit
Emergency cb radio

It’s a bit ridiculous. So much of it belongs to other people. I really need to spend a day delivering things back to my friends!

 Brian was changing my brakes and Robert’s brakes while I was making this list. (and organizing the piles of junk into boxes!) Robert and I started comparing random stuff we had in the car. His hard hat, warm overalls and hand saws were pretty awesome. Except he has to have them for work. He did have chicken fingers and honey mustard in his back seat. But only because he had cooked them before he left. So I think my week old ice cream pie won. I don’t think I should be proud of that!

geeze…

-m

my weekend itinerary (overnight stay in the looney bin)

We were iced in the beginning of this week and missed 1.5 days of work. This has made me a big lazy butt for the rest of the week. We are going to stay in tonight before going all out for the rest of the weekend. 

I sent my boyfriend a list of things I wanted to do this weekend…

Sleep is on this list a few times too many. I will never get to take that many naps. There is a possibility that he may drop me off at the nearest psych ward before the next few weeks are over. I wouldn’t blame him.

ok. so list of all the shit to do this weekend.
       
watch movies.
sleep.
play zombie farm
sleep
buy brakes
sleep while you fix my brakes
clean out my car
pack up random stuff in my car
play zombie farm some more
walmart for remaining baby shower presents
go to house to see if downstairs is livable
go to nana’s 
sleep.
go to jasper.
play with my doggie.
eat yummy lunch
dig through shit in storage building.
get stressed out.
cry. (I actually didn’t cry because of the house stuff, but did cry during a movie.)
sleep.
edit photos from 3 weeks ago.
order photos for scrap book.
spent 4 hours in hobbly lobby picking out new paper. (i know its hobby. but i typed hobbly and it made me giggles)
sleep.
be ordained as the best gf ever.*

*Yes, that last one is very important. There will be a ceremony. I will send you an invite!

God bless him for putting up with me and my craziness. In 10 days I close on my house. For the next 10 days I am going to stress out and worry myself silly with trips to Walmart for the simple things I need that I don’t have because I have been homeless for 6 months. If anyone wants to donate some toilet paper, blinds or a mop, let me know!

-m

I am coming back and actually marking what I did get done in blue. Just to show myself that I can accomplish something!

I am breathing.

There are things in my life that are stressing me out.

There are always things in my life that stress me out.

Why do I let them get to me so easily?

It’s funny how the things that stress me are also the things I am so thankful for.

The holidays are done. The hustle and bustle is over. That makes me kinda sad.

The next 3 months are slammed full of plans already.

In 20 days or so I will sign my life away on a house.

The house that I will make a home. I will hang pictures, cook dinner, throw parties.

It will be full of warmth, laughter, love and hopefully a family one day.

In 60 days my office moves to another building. Who knew how much goes into a move like this?

It makes my head spin and the tears threaten to fall with all the things that have to be done.

In 74 days, 10-20 of my closest friends and I will descend on NOLA.

Hopefully we all come home without paying bail or having a court date.

I am happy, happy, happy to have a house.

I am happy, happy, happy to have a job.

I am happy, happy, happy to have my friends.

I am going to do my best to put a smile on my face.

I am going to do my best not to be a stressed out negative nellie.

I think this sore throat and fever I am running might be playing a part.

I am impatient.

I am stepping back, looking in.

This life I have is nothing short of amazing.

No reason to be stressed about amazing. Right?

Right.

-m

everytime (random scribbles in my draft folder)

*man, I found some good stuff in my drafts folder. I wonder why I didn’t post this when I wrote it. Here’s some scribbles from my brain… written a few months ago.

I wanna be in.

Over my head.

I will probably drown. (drowned?)

I think I am already past the point

of not hurting when the hurting starts.

I want to live my life to the fullest

knowing that doing so means

I will get hurt the greatest.

everytime.

everytime.

I spend my days in the mundane.

I spend my nights in the laughter of friends

or the boredom of a bedroom that doesn’t belong to me.

I want to spend an eternity

with the reality of a perfect ideal.

I fall easy. I fall hard.

I love easy. I love hard.

I give it away, and never get it back.

I am jaded.

Heart in lockdown mode

I learn from yet repeat the same mistakes

over and over

I guess I don’t really learn.

I trust. And shouldn’t.

But I am positive that someday,

Someone will be worth it.

-m

my butterflies are dead

My friend asked “does he gives you butterflies?”

I said “no, only because I think all my butterflies are dead. They live behind this gigantic, huge, jaded wall, that is broken and cracked, that has burned down and been built up again. It’s ugly and tall and I don’t think butterflies want to live there.”

She laughed until she had tears in her eyes.

I love my friends.

Because they get me.

(Somewhere in me a cocoon stirs. trying to open and let a butterfly out.)

-m

thank god for antibiotics and steriod shots

I have been sick. I always get sick the week of Halloween. This year was no exception. I think it’s because the weather is changing. I think it’s because I run 90 to nothing every day of every week, but in October I double the speed.

I did A LOT in October. And sickness is the way it catches up with me.

I fought the crud for a week & a half. I self medicated and tried to get as much rest as possible. I overdosed on a daily basis on pseudophedrine. I can see now why the meth heads love that stuff so much. 120mg at 8am and I was buzzing around all day. It’s also a great diet aid. I sure wasn’t hungry while taking it. But by last Wednesday I was over it. I was sick. I was tired. I was leaving work early every day just so I could be in my pjs in bed by 4pm. It was out of hand.

So, I made an appointment with a doc I had never seen. They put me through the cattle call of sit here,  fill out paperwork, wait here,  draw blood, go here, pee in a cup, put this gown on, chest x-rays… etc. Finally they stick me in a room and I wait. And wait. and cough, and wait. A random woman comes in and takes one look at me and says.. “well honey, you are getting a breathing treatment and a steroid shot. right now. wow, your ears are really infected”. I didn’t even know who she was and I wanted to hug her. 3 seconds later I am breathing some Albuterol and my ass hurts from the shot. 45 minutes later the doc walks in. That’s right. I got a shot before the doc ever even looked at me. (I love this doctors office!). He walked in, said “you have the crud.” Looked in my ears. Listened to me breathe and handed me 4 rxs. wam bam thank you ma’am. Antibiotic, steroid pack, ear drops, cough syrup. FANTASTIC.

So now it’s Monday and I am 5 days into an antibiotic and almost done with the steroid pack. AND I still fee like ass. fantastic again. Now I am sipping the cough syrup straight out of the bottle and begging my lungs to give me a break.

*annnnddddd spinning round and round and round in my chair giggling like a crazy person. Thank you hydrocodone cough syrup. wheeeeeeee*

I am hoping I am on the up swing of this plague. I have a busy weekend ahead of me and need to be able to stay awake past 6 pm each night this week. I am super excited about my 3.5 day work week. Thursday at lunch I am hitting the road for a mini road trip. Thursday night I will be terrorizing Memphis with my friend Joey. Then Friday night, my cousin Kem and I will be drinking beer around a bon fire in Bebe, Ark, reminiscing about mom and laughing like fools. Saturday, I will get to see my “kids” in Forrest City, Ark and be amazed at how much they’ve grown since last August. Those kids were just once little bitty. Over night they have grown into real like teenagers and adults!

It’s always a bitter-sweet trip when I go to Forrest City. I used to go there to visit my mom, my best friend. Now I go there to visit her grave.  For fun and memories I plan on doing a little photo adventure and retracing my favorite places in the town. I hope to get some great shots of the house I loved so much as a little girl, the movie theater where mom and I spent our free nights, the church my family attended, the run down park with the metal merry-go-round, etc. I hope I have enough time to do it!

ok. so I am beyond wired at the moment and have no idea if any of this post is interesting or worth reading. I am sorry if you have gotten this far and none of it is actually english. I think I am gonna lay off the cough syrup.

 

-m

 

 

Ohhh. and a short what in the hell have I gotten myself into (aka: match dot com) update… I  went on my 1st “meet a guy from the internet” “date” Friday evening. (The normal one, not the 60 year old with the santa beard, or the floss/brush guy).  It went very well. Much better than I truly imagined it could. There was never any awkwardness. We laughed a lot and talked even more. I see more dates in the future with him. So…there. What the hell have  I gotten myself into has turned out ok so far.

#tweetyour16yearoldself

So, this #tweetyour16yearoldself thing has been floating around twitter. I saw it the other day and laughed at what other people where telling there 16-year-old self.

I started really thinking about what I would tell my 16-year-old self. I have been wanting to do that whole “Write a letter to my younger self” thing for a while… I can just never come up with anything good.

So after a few of my own tweets to myself, I thought I would come here and share a few things I would tell my 16-year-old self… (and as I type these I think about me at 16. it’s weird. because I don’t really remember a lot about it. I have a bad habit of blocking out my childhood…plus I try to live my life with no regrets. so I don’t really have many things I would change because of regret. )

1. Move out the day you graduate (or before). don’t wait til september. And tell that bitch to F@#$ off. seriously.

2. Oh and spend every second you can with mom. she wasn’t kidding about being gone before 50. Hug her the night she asks for it. even though she is on your nerves. just hug her. and hold her hand the night she dies.

3. you will fall in love. several times. cherish each time. eventually it will be forever. (I think my 40-year-old self will be telling my 30-year-old self this too one day!)

4. your parents ARE wrong about some things. In the long run you don’t need that negativity.

5.  don’t keep journals. they get you in trouble. and you won’t ever see them again. you will “blog” later in life. this will probably get you in trouble too!

6. get a degree. don’t mess around. business management. or pharmacy school.

7. the friends you make RIGHT NOW are the friends you will have when you are 30. this is awesome.

8. you won’t be where you want to be at 30. but it’s ok. 30 is not as bad as you might think.

9. Go to Australia when you have the chance. You will regret not going.

10. the few extra pounds you have at 20 are nothing compared to 30. quit bitching.

11. your boobs will eventual start to sag. yes, they will.

12. You will raise the coolest step kid ever.

13. keep granny’s couch.

I probably wouldn’t actually tell my 16-year-old self most of these. Except the last one. man I wish I had that couch… I mean look at it! (that’s my Aunt Linda, Grandpa and mom back in the day!)

Isn’t that what life is all about? Not knowing the future. Stumbling through life, thinking your world is ending with every crisis, every break up, every death? Thinking the world is perfect with every kiss, every love, every butterfly in the tummy? If I had really known my mom would die when I was 25, how differently would I have lived those years? If I had known my marriage would end the way it did, would I have ever fallen in love and had the good times I did have?

This is probably why I haven’t been able to write a letter to my younger self. I just don’t have that much to say. I really don’t think I would be me if I was able to change my past. I like me. I like me the way life has made me. The things I would change would have to do with mom and my grandparents. I wish I had spent more time with them. I wish I had picked my grandpa’s brain before he died. But I was young, and didn’t know that I should. I wish I had laughed more with my granny (though I think all we did was laugh!). And, oh, the things I wish I had done differently with and for mom at the end. Looking back though, I know I did exactly what I was capable of doing. Putting more on myself would have probably killed me!

That’s all for now. I wish my 40-year-old self would tweet me right now and tell me what to do!

-m

Arachnophobia. I has it.

Between my cousin Matt throwing granddaddy long legs on my head and making me fall down the stairs when we were kids, and this movie, I have always had an aversion to those 8 legged-creepy-ass creatures. Or maybe I am a cricket… per wikipedia, “Studies with crickets have shown that a fear of spiders can develop before birth.” (wtf?)

I don’t care how little, or how big. I hate em. My ex tried to teach me to save them and put them out side so they can eat mosquitos and kill yellow jackets. I don’t want to save them. I want them dead.

I totally went to the Spider Wikipedia site so I could quote you some facts about spiders. I could only stand it long enough to start having an anxiety attack. So instead I copied the link. You can go learn for your self.

So where am I going with this, you ask?

That.

That is what was keeping me from being able to walk down the stairs last night.

That is what made my anxiety shoot through the roof and squeal like a little girl every time it moved.

To get that picture I had to get closer than I was totally comfortable with.

That bad boy finally got squished with a broom. After it put up a really good fight and tried to eat me.

It took almost an hour and a klonopin to slow my heart rate back to normal. I am not kidding.I am not scared of most bugs. I hate spiders.

Ick. ok. I have grossed my self out by even writing this.

*hey everybody… look at Melissa…. she is totally off her rocker.*

-m

hormonal blogging, it’s what I do.

I think phones should come with some sort of breathalyzer app. That way I can’t send inappropriate or multiple texts to the same person after I have had a few.

I think I shouldn’t be allowed to text, tweet, blog,or facebook while pms-ing. Or talk to people.

It gets ugly/funny fast.

I want chocolate. And tequila. (ohh do they make chocolate tequila?) I want to cry and laugh and love and hide under a rock.

When I was younger I filled notebook after notebook with words. Poems, Stories and scribbles from the depth of my mind. When the urge struck me to “get it out” I would grab the closest scrap paper and start writing. Quite often, in the bottom of my purse, I would find napkins covered with words. Now I find myself opening wordpress and spilling it into “Add New Post”. Or using the notepad function on my iphone. Days later I go back and re-read. Sometimes I delete them. Sometimes I put them out there for the world (and the 3 of you that read this) to laugh at.

I still go back and read through those notebooks. It’s a nice to journey back through my youth and my emotions from that time. Before and after posting someone call the psych ward. get my room ready the other day, I had doubts. I started it as something that was going to be funny. By the end I was crying, remembering the good and bad things that have made me who I am. I was worried about what people would think and whisper about me behind my back. Then I realized that it probably wouldn’t be any different then what they say to my face.

Numerous people commented and made me feel better about throwing myself out there.

Amy from Fix it or Deal said “This isn’t crazy. This is life. Real, kick you in the ass life.” reading those words reminded me that life really isn’t all rainbows and puppy dogs. Most of the time it’s real, raw emotion.

My sweet cousin Amanda reminded me that blogging is similar to those notebooks I go back and read by saying “I’m glad you posted this and years later you will be too. It’s who you are right now.”

And Brooke aka shutterboo reminded me to “Just surround yourself with people you love, people that love you and live everyday looking forward to the next. And lots of beer.” I like the way this girl thinks!

I guess this is my way of saying thanks to all you people who come and read my crazy hormonal blogging. Thanks even more for sending me an encouraging word about them via blog or facebook comments, text messages, emails or even phone calls. I may not be the best writer, I splice commas (I don’t even know what that means) and I thank god for spell check every day. But, to be able to just spill emotions onto a computer screen and have so much love and support come back… it’s amazing.  You folks are amazing.

-m