“I hope you are feeling or beautiful”

ok. y’all… seriously. The $68.00 I spent on match dot com was worth it just from this one guy….

englishmustbemysecondlanguage@weirdo.com has emailed again. twice.

Someone please help me understand. please. keep in mind, I haven’t even emailed this guy back since the initial conversation. (please go read this if you haven’t. It’s worth the giggle.)

Here in Alabama there is only one football game that matters… The Iron Bowl. The two biggest rivals in the state (University of Alabama and Auburn University) duke it out for bragging rights every year. This year Auburn beat Alabama by 1 measly point. It was a fantastic game and even though Bama lost I still had a amazing time with my friends yelling at the tv and each other.

After the game on Friday I received these two messages through Match. I think I spewed beer out of my noise when I read them.

Email #1 from Friday

Sorry, BAMA lost…they will win again…I am a BAMA fan and wehn we stop scoring I almost had orgasam..We should have won/

I hope you are feeling or beautiful and hope that you are enjoying wonderful hilodays.

W.T.F…???

I have never ever ever had an orgasm because a football team stopped scoring. I am not even sure how in the world those relate? again… wtf? And I hope I am feeling or beautiful too. One or the other would be nice.

Email # 2 on friday

girlfriend

sorry for BAMA lose…I feel you..but that is ok..we won the championship last year.

are you going to wear a bama cheer leading dress and send me pictures?

 

Yeah. Let me go get my cheer leading dress and get on that. The pictures will be sent momentarily… And he’s now calling me girlfriend. Geeze Louise.

I am mostly speechless about it. But this guy is comedy gold!

 

-m

oh the giggles I get from match dot com

So match dot com has now just become “comedy hour” to me. Lordy at the emails I am getting.

This exchange has made me laugh so I have to share it.

1st email… “you are absolutly hot”

My response… “thanks” (I mean, what else do you say to that?)

2nd email…RE: well you said you are not into playing game…then tell me what you want from a guy…friendships, boyfriend…casual dating…
It is jungale here and I meeting different type of people and very hard to figure people out. some woman wants friendship, relationship or some wants sex only….

what is in your mind…? Who do you think will win..BAMA or tigers.

It seems that you want a husband…….Am I correct?”

My response…”ha! you are wrong. I had a husband for 6 years. I have nothing against getting married again, but I am not actively looking for a husband.

I am on match to see what is out there outside the bar scene. So far it is a lot like the bar scene. I feel like I explained myself pretty well in my profile. I am not looking for love, but if it happens then I will go with it. I am definitely not here to line up booty calls!

Oh and roll tide!”

3rd email…You seems like a very nice person with very idealistic view and a young girl with lot of sprit stuck in a beautiful body.
I am surprised that no have found you. I am like you, i want to find a friend with open heart and enjoy the moment in life instead of thiniking and making it complecated.

You have happy thanksgivings….we will be freind. You can email me to my personal email at englishmustbemysecondlanguage@weirdo.com 
You are correct it is a jungle out there and guys have differnt mentality then the girls. I am about 40 so I am different then when I was 25, 30 and 35..it changes with your idea, experince and resposibilities. As you have learned that guys think about sex every 4 sec and girls are for every 4 mins because god made them that ways so that human can reproduce. So you are seeing jugle with lots of tigers ready to go.
I liked you quote “Life is t oo short. Live it. Love it. Laugh and have fun with it. ” I am adding…Life is life and it is not perfect so enjoy your one life.”

Are you a pharmacist? send me some of your pictures….you photographer…

But i found you very beautiful and I want to be your friend.

4th email… ” hey beautiful… forgot to tell you roll tide… and AU is screwed becasue they paid money…”

  

ok. let’s revisit email number 1. Really? Does this work?

email number 2. I was a little confused by the “hey, what do you want from this? do you like football? so, you want a husband?” flow of the email. The last question totally floored me and made me laugh hysterically. my response was half assed and quickly sent from my iphone. In hopes of getting a response that would be funny. It worked. email number 3.

“You seems like a very nice person with very idealistic view and a young girl with lot of sprit stuck in a beautiful body.” How does he know I have a lot of spirit stuck in a beautiful body? (I mean, I do… but that’s not the point!) How does he know I am nice and idealistic? What about my email said any of that?! 

“I am surprised that no have found you. I am like you, i want to find a friend with open heart and enjoy the moment in life instead of thiniking and making it complecated.” I didn’t know I was missing…

 And I am kinda excited that “we will be friend”… geeze.

“You are correct it is a jungle out there”… he said that, not me… how am I correct?

“As you have learned that guys think about sex every 4 sec and girls are for every 4 mins because god made them that ways so that human can reproduce. So you are seeing jugle with lots of tigers ready to go.” huh? god made me to think about sex every 4 minutes so i could reproduce? I think my clock is stuck. oh my and tigers? My jungle is not full of tigers. It’s full of mosquitos. sucking the life out of me.

“Are you a pharmacist? send me some of your pictures….you photographer..” i don’t know why, this just makes me giggle. I imagine some one shaking their fist saying ” you photographer, you..”

 

ok. anyway. some of the emails make me giggle. I am not trying to use match as comedy hour, but I just can’t help it. Don’t worry though. I am not stringing people along. If they wink or email and I have no interest, I will very nicely click the “no thanks button” and send them on their way.  Which basically means I am ”no thanks-ing” them all right now. (I am not gonna jinx the good thing that has come from it so far, but let’s just say I am not really activly perusing match on a daily basis.)  It’s a scary dating world out there. Match just makes it funnier.

 

-m

ps. Happy turkey day tomorrow!

my email and online dating entertains me

So I have shared with you that I have signed up on Match dot com for the next 3 months. Currently I have 10.5 weeks left on the membership. I have a feeling I won’t be using the entire 3 months.

I thought I would use the next few months to see what’s out there, go have a drink, have funny stories about failed dates, etc.  So far, I have spent most of my time being winked at by men much older and hairier then I might like.

Every once in a while some one that might spark my interest shows up in my in-box, but mostly it’s been old men, rednecks, or “church going” boys who post pictures of their half-naked self. Oh and men who fish. A lot of men who fish. I bet 75% of the profiles on match have pictures of a man holding a fish of some sort. I am not kidding. It’s really, really bizarre. Fish.

Which is right up there with pictures of their momma. Or making a comment in their profile about their momma. I mean, don’t get me wrong… I love a man who loves his momma…but maybe not what you should include in your dating profile online. Just sayin’.

Every couple of days I get an actual email from someone. For the most part they are people just saying “hi, liked your profile. how are you? blah blah blah”. I have actually conversed back and forth with a couple of people that seem normal-ish. But only a couple. It makes me feel extremely shallow and bitchy to click the “no thanks” button. But when your sign-on is something along the lines of: Sextron42, Partnerincrime, Hardboy, or Nightmoves,  (or you have 8 pictures of you and fish) I just can’t take it!

I have been saving some of the funnier emails I have gotten. I am sure there are many more where these came from and as I get them I will come back here and share them with you.

The 1st one was the 1st email I got from anyone. I didn’t respond. I just don’t do stupid.

So here’s a question that could possibly alter my life forever and I thought I would ask you…I hope you’re ready for this. Okay, here goes…do you floss before you brush or brush before you floss?

This one just makes me wonder wtf this dude was smoking?

i am usually unacceptable to the masses,and to them u seem like an exception too lol so what the ears hear and the eyes see is what the mind believes but the trigger here is what if the ears hear something and the eyes something else then what does the mind believes in?

and, um. ok. thanks?

HELLO.MELISSAG
I AM GIVE UP ON WOMAN.YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL

So, this is what entertains me on a daily basis.

I will say that so far the one “match” that has been made and gone past the computer screen has gone very well. It’s a learning experience to meet and get to know someone. I have spent so many years just “knowing” everyone that the “getting to know someone” process is harder than I thought it would be. I am so lucky to have my people, my friends and my family. I take for granted that they know me. They get me. I don’t hide anything from them. I don’t have to be anything I am not for them.  Having said that, I won’t hide anything or be anything I am not for anyone.

I have to say that though I laughed and made fun of myself for signing up, I am glad I did. I have already learned a few things about myself from it. It’s  made me think again about what I really want in my life and how I want to get there. It’s made me acknowledge what I will and won’t give up to get there. Every once in a while I find a little spark that lights a fire under my ass and makes me want to dive head first into life again. I think that spark might be back.

-m

thank god for antibiotics and steriod shots

I have been sick. I always get sick the week of Halloween. This year was no exception. I think it’s because the weather is changing. I think it’s because I run 90 to nothing every day of every week, but in October I double the speed.

I did A LOT in October. And sickness is the way it catches up with me.

I fought the crud for a week & a half. I self medicated and tried to get as much rest as possible. I overdosed on a daily basis on pseudophedrine. I can see now why the meth heads love that stuff so much. 120mg at 8am and I was buzzing around all day. It’s also a great diet aid. I sure wasn’t hungry while taking it. But by last Wednesday I was over it. I was sick. I was tired. I was leaving work early every day just so I could be in my pjs in bed by 4pm. It was out of hand.

So, I made an appointment with a doc I had never seen. They put me through the cattle call of sit here,  fill out paperwork, wait here,  draw blood, go here, pee in a cup, put this gown on, chest x-rays… etc. Finally they stick me in a room and I wait. And wait. and cough, and wait. A random woman comes in and takes one look at me and says.. “well honey, you are getting a breathing treatment and a steroid shot. right now. wow, your ears are really infected”. I didn’t even know who she was and I wanted to hug her. 3 seconds later I am breathing some Albuterol and my ass hurts from the shot. 45 minutes later the doc walks in. That’s right. I got a shot before the doc ever even looked at me. (I love this doctors office!). He walked in, said “you have the crud.” Looked in my ears. Listened to me breathe and handed me 4 rxs. wam bam thank you ma’am. Antibiotic, steroid pack, ear drops, cough syrup. FANTASTIC.

So now it’s Monday and I am 5 days into an antibiotic and almost done with the steroid pack. AND I still fee like ass. fantastic again. Now I am sipping the cough syrup straight out of the bottle and begging my lungs to give me a break.

*annnnddddd spinning round and round and round in my chair giggling like a crazy person. Thank you hydrocodone cough syrup. wheeeeeeee*

I am hoping I am on the up swing of this plague. I have a busy weekend ahead of me and need to be able to stay awake past 6 pm each night this week. I am super excited about my 3.5 day work week. Thursday at lunch I am hitting the road for a mini road trip. Thursday night I will be terrorizing Memphis with my friend Joey. Then Friday night, my cousin Kem and I will be drinking beer around a bon fire in Bebe, Ark, reminiscing about mom and laughing like fools. Saturday, I will get to see my “kids” in Forrest City, Ark and be amazed at how much they’ve grown since last August. Those kids were just once little bitty. Over night they have grown into real like teenagers and adults!

It’s always a bitter-sweet trip when I go to Forrest City. I used to go there to visit my mom, my best friend. Now I go there to visit her grave.  For fun and memories I plan on doing a little photo adventure and retracing my favorite places in the town. I hope to get some great shots of the house I loved so much as a little girl, the movie theater where mom and I spent our free nights, the church my family attended, the run down park with the metal merry-go-round, etc. I hope I have enough time to do it!

ok. so I am beyond wired at the moment and have no idea if any of this post is interesting or worth reading. I am sorry if you have gotten this far and none of it is actually english. I think I am gonna lay off the cough syrup.

 

-m

 

 

Ohhh. and a short what in the hell have I gotten myself into (aka: match dot com) update… I  went on my 1st “meet a guy from the internet” “date” Friday evening. (The normal one, not the 60 year old with the santa beard, or the floss/brush guy).  It went very well. Much better than I truly imagined it could. There was never any awkwardness. We laughed a lot and talked even more. I see more dates in the future with him. So…there. What the hell have  I gotten myself into has turned out ok so far.

what in the hell have I gotten myself into?

Internet dating… that’s what.

So…. I just reactivated my Match.com account*.  I have no idea what has possessed me to do so. I am not even exactly sure why I started one in the 1st place. I remember that months ago, I had a horrible nightmare and couldn’t go back to sleep. So at 4 am I set it up and proceeded to only wink at people I knew already in real life. They never winked back!

Yesterday I reactivated it. Today I actually paid a membership fee. crazy? crazy. I know.

I have scanned through profile after profile trying to figure out exactly what is wrong with these people to make them resort to this kind of service. I mean, for the most part they seem nice looking and well-rounded. (except for the 60 year old man with the santa beard that winked at me… creepy). It concerns me these nice looking successful men can’t get a date without using the interwebz. Then I realize that I am a nice looking, successful girl, with a Match.com account. Yes, I have started questioning myself.

I wasn’t going to actually spend the money. I talked a little with my aunt about it and we both decided that even if it was a waste of money, I might have some good laughs come from it. A friend of mine mentioned last night that he met his wife on Match many years ago. He told me to be totally honest in my profile. I have done the best I can in hopes I don’t totally freak people out and make them run sceaming into the night.

 I decided to “wink” at a few people, and if any of them actually winked back, I would cough up the dough and see what happens. By the time I got back upstairs from talking to my aunt, I had a return wink. So I did it. I paid the fee for the next 90 days. I emailed the boy who winked at me. He emailed back. He seems nice and normal. I also got an email from a guy asking me if I flossed before brushing or brushed before flossing. He seems weird and not normal. 

I think, if nothing else comes of this, I will have spent some good money for the laugh factor. Don’t worry, I will share!

-m 

*if you are currently “dating” me, have dated me, or want to date me, please do not let this deter you or make you think I might not be interested. I am just being single and seeing what kind of trouble I can get myself into in this online stuff! If you know me, you know I am not looking to settle (ever)or settle down(right now),  I am enjoying single and plan to continue to do so. And I have told you this already! So there…