I am breathing.

There are things in my life that are stressing me out.

There are always things in my life that stress me out.

Why do I let them get to me so easily?

It’s funny how the things that stress me are also the things I am so thankful for.

The holidays are done. The hustle and bustle is over. That makes me kinda sad.

The next 3 months are slammed full of plans already.

In 20 days or so I will sign my life away on a house.

The house that I will make a home. I will hang pictures, cook dinner, throw parties.

It will be full of warmth, laughter, love and hopefully a family one day.

In 60 days my office moves to another building. Who knew how much goes into a move like this?

It makes my head spin and the tears threaten to fall with all the things that have to be done.

In 74 days, 10-20 of my closest friends and I will descend on NOLA.

Hopefully we all come home without paying bail or having a court date.

I am happy, happy, happy to have a house.

I am happy, happy, happy to have a job.

I am happy, happy, happy to have my friends.

I am going to do my best to put a smile on my face.

I am going to do my best not to be a stressed out negative nellie.

I think this sore throat and fever I am running might be playing a part.

I am impatient.

I am stepping back, looking in.

This life I have is nothing short of amazing.

No reason to be stressed about amazing. Right?

Right.

-m

everytime (random scribbles in my draft folder)

*man, I found some good stuff in my drafts folder. I wonder why I didn’t post this when I wrote it. Here’s some scribbles from my brain… written a few months ago.

I wanna be in.

Over my head.

I will probably drown. (drowned?)

I think I am already past the point

of not hurting when the hurting starts.

I want to live my life to the fullest

knowing that doing so means

I will get hurt the greatest.

everytime.

everytime.

I spend my days in the mundane.

I spend my nights in the laughter of friends

or the boredom of a bedroom that doesn’t belong to me.

I want to spend an eternity

with the reality of a perfect ideal.

I fall easy. I fall hard.

I love easy. I love hard.

I give it away, and never get it back.

I am jaded.

Heart in lockdown mode

I learn from yet repeat the same mistakes

over and over

I guess I don’t really learn.

I trust. And shouldn’t.

But I am positive that someday,

Someone will be worth it.

-m

age is just a number. and 29 (for the 3rd time) is fantastic

I had a birthday yesterday. It’s the 1st one that I haven’t really paid much attention to or stressed out about. I have spent so much time in the past few months soul searching. In the past month or two I have really felt my soul settle into something peaceful and happy. In the past few weeks, it has become docile and content with me, my past, my life and my future. It’s a confusing feeling, but one that I am cherishing and enjoying, in case it doesn’t last.

In the past, I have equated birthdays to the insanity that was my life during that particular year…

24 – The year my granny was sick. Dying. Died. Mom moved in. Sick and dying.
25 – The year my mom died and my world crashed
26 – The year I was depressed, miserable, lonely but worked through.
27 – The year of trying to have a baby and failing.
28 – the year my life crashed down again. Seperation. Divorced.
29 – the year I thought was going to be THE year.
30 – the year of the breakup, trying to buy a house, being “homeless”

Now – 31. Another year to make something amazing happen in this life. I still have the same dreams and hopes and aspirations. I just have all of the jaded-ness and experience to help (or hurt) my chances. I haven’t been happier than I am right now. Ever. Right now I can’t wipe off the stupid ass grin that has taken up residence on my face. I am surrounded by the most beautiful friends and family. I have a fantastic job. My kid is amazingly funny. I am the happiest I have ever been, yet, nothing is how I “planned” for it to be. You have no idea how happy it makes me for my life to not be what I planned for. If I was where I wanted to be in my life by 31, I wouldn’t have the life that I have right now.

Saturday night my friends and I met out for birthday drinks and fun times. I didn’t take that many pictures because my camera was stolen (not for real stolen! My friends took it from me and used it all night!) and everyone else took the photos. I ended up with some great shots from a point of view that wasn’t my own. This also means that I ended up in ALL of them. It’s nice to look through them and see me, having a good time with people I adore. I have some great ones of folks sitting around being awesome, but my favorites were the ones of me and my girls.. and one guy.

Me and Kelli rocking our new hair.

Me and smurf. (so happy this girl is back in my life)

Me and Rizzle Mcfizzle… the party planner, the contract writer, the over-all amazing girl.

Me and Ms. Shay… my hair looks this good because she worked her magic!

Me. Being a princess. In my tiara…

And this guy. I have great things to say about him, but I will keep them to myself for now.

Happy birthday to me!

-m

#tweetyour16yearoldself

So, this #tweetyour16yearoldself thing has been floating around twitter. I saw it the other day and laughed at what other people where telling there 16-year-old self.

I started really thinking about what I would tell my 16-year-old self. I have been wanting to do that whole “Write a letter to my younger self” thing for a while… I can just never come up with anything good.

So after a few of my own tweets to myself, I thought I would come here and share a few things I would tell my 16-year-old self… (and as I type these I think about me at 16. it’s weird. because I don’t really remember a lot about it. I have a bad habit of blocking out my childhood…plus I try to live my life with no regrets. so I don’t really have many things I would change because of regret. )

1. Move out the day you graduate (or before). don’t wait til september. And tell that bitch to F@#$ off. seriously.

2. Oh and spend every second you can with mom. she wasn’t kidding about being gone before 50. Hug her the night she asks for it. even though she is on your nerves. just hug her. and hold her hand the night she dies.

3. you will fall in love. several times. cherish each time. eventually it will be forever. (I think my 40-year-old self will be telling my 30-year-old self this too one day!)

4. your parents ARE wrong about some things. In the long run you don’t need that negativity.

5.  don’t keep journals. they get you in trouble. and you won’t ever see them again. you will “blog” later in life. this will probably get you in trouble too!

6. get a degree. don’t mess around. business management. or pharmacy school.

7. the friends you make RIGHT NOW are the friends you will have when you are 30. this is awesome.

8. you won’t be where you want to be at 30. but it’s ok. 30 is not as bad as you might think.

9. Go to Australia when you have the chance. You will regret not going.

10. the few extra pounds you have at 20 are nothing compared to 30. quit bitching.

11. your boobs will eventual start to sag. yes, they will.

12. You will raise the coolest step kid ever.

13. keep granny’s couch.

I probably wouldn’t actually tell my 16-year-old self most of these. Except the last one. man I wish I had that couch… I mean look at it! (that’s my Aunt Linda, Grandpa and mom back in the day!)

Isn’t that what life is all about? Not knowing the future. Stumbling through life, thinking your world is ending with every crisis, every break up, every death? Thinking the world is perfect with every kiss, every love, every butterfly in the tummy? If I had really known my mom would die when I was 25, how differently would I have lived those years? If I had known my marriage would end the way it did, would I have ever fallen in love and had the good times I did have?

This is probably why I haven’t been able to write a letter to my younger self. I just don’t have that much to say. I really don’t think I would be me if I was able to change my past. I like me. I like me the way life has made me. The things I would change would have to do with mom and my grandparents. I wish I had spent more time with them. I wish I had picked my grandpa’s brain before he died. But I was young, and didn’t know that I should. I wish I had laughed more with my granny (though I think all we did was laugh!). And, oh, the things I wish I had done differently with and for mom at the end. Looking back though, I know I did exactly what I was capable of doing. Putting more on myself would have probably killed me!

That’s all for now. I wish my 40-year-old self would tweet me right now and tell me what to do!

-m

hormonal blogging, it’s what I do.

I think phones should come with some sort of breathalyzer app. That way I can’t send inappropriate or multiple texts to the same person after I have had a few.

I think I shouldn’t be allowed to text, tweet, blog,or facebook while pms-ing. Or talk to people.

It gets ugly/funny fast.

I want chocolate. And tequila. (ohh do they make chocolate tequila?) I want to cry and laugh and love and hide under a rock.

When I was younger I filled notebook after notebook with words. Poems, Stories and scribbles from the depth of my mind. When the urge struck me to “get it out” I would grab the closest scrap paper and start writing. Quite often, in the bottom of my purse, I would find napkins covered with words. Now I find myself opening wordpress and spilling it into “Add New Post”. Or using the notepad function on my iphone. Days later I go back and re-read. Sometimes I delete them. Sometimes I put them out there for the world (and the 3 of you that read this) to laugh at.

I still go back and read through those notebooks. It’s a nice to journey back through my youth and my emotions from that time. Before and after posting someone call the psych ward. get my room ready the other day, I had doubts. I started it as something that was going to be funny. By the end I was crying, remembering the good and bad things that have made me who I am. I was worried about what people would think and whisper about me behind my back. Then I realized that it probably wouldn’t be any different then what they say to my face.

Numerous people commented and made me feel better about throwing myself out there.

Amy from Fix it or Deal said “This isn’t crazy. This is life. Real, kick you in the ass life.” reading those words reminded me that life really isn’t all rainbows and puppy dogs. Most of the time it’s real, raw emotion.

My sweet cousin Amanda reminded me that blogging is similar to those notebooks I go back and read by saying “I’m glad you posted this and years later you will be too. It’s who you are right now.”

And Brooke aka shutterboo reminded me to “Just surround yourself with people you love, people that love you and live everyday looking forward to the next. And lots of beer.” I like the way this girl thinks!

I guess this is my way of saying thanks to all you people who come and read my crazy hormonal blogging. Thanks even more for sending me an encouraging word about them via blog or facebook comments, text messages, emails or even phone calls. I may not be the best writer, I splice commas (I don’t even know what that means) and I thank god for spell check every day. But, to be able to just spill emotions onto a computer screen and have so much love and support come back… it’s amazing.  You folks are amazing.

-m

thanks for the diagnosis Freud

I have really got to stop biting my fingernails.

Gross. I know. I have done it since I got teeth. I don’t know how to quit. It’s a habit. It’s stress related. Every once in a while I can grow my nails out. Then I just chew them all off.

When I was little my parents tried everything to make me stop. The worst was that  fingernail polish that tastes horrible. I got over the taste.

I told my dad once…(last year!) ”look, I have fingernails. I quit chewing them”. He said “Yeah right. You have been chewing your nails since you were born.” He was right. I hadn’t really quit.

I only think about trying to quit when I have bitten them to the absolute nub and they hurt for days. I am at that point now. I don’t even realize I am doing it. That’s the bad part. I am totally out of anything to bite on right now. I guess my stress level is a tiny bit high. Though I am not totally sure why.

I am aware this is some sort of oral fixation. Thank you Freud

Oral fixation

An oral fixation (also oral craving) is a fixation in the oral stage of development manifested by an obsession with stimulating the mouth (oral) first described by Sigmund Freud, who thought infants are naturally and adaptively in an oral stage, but if weaned too early or too late, may fail to resolve the conflicts of this stage and develop a maladaptive oral fixation. In later life, these people may constantly “hunger” for activities involving the mouth.^{[citation needed]}

A child who is not fed enough (neglected) or is fed too much (over-protected) may become orally fixated as an adult. It is believed that fixation in the oral stage may have one of two effects. If the child was underfed or neglected, he/she may become orally dependent and obsessed with achieving the oral stimulation of which he was deprived, learning to manipulate others to fulfill his needs rather than maturing to independence. The overly indulged child may resist growing up and try to return to that state of dependency through crying, acting helpless, demanding satisfaction, and being “needy.”^{[citation needed]}

Oral fixations are considered to contribute to over-eating, being overly talkative, smoking addictions, overindulging in sugar, chewing on straws and toothpicks, and even alcoholism (known as “oral dependent” qualities). Other symptoms include a sarcastic or “biting” personality (known as “oral sadistic” qualities). Some literatures^[who?]even suggest a link between oral fixation with oral sex where individuals fulfill their oral gratifications through phallic and ejaculant sensations. Another indicator is constant nail biting, putting fingers in the mouth as well as biting any future sexual partners they may have.^{[citation needed]}

Whoa . I could have done without reading that… being overly talkative, Check. smoking addictions, Check. chewing on straws, check. sarcastic or “biting” personality… who me? *sigh*, check. And let’s not even anazlyze those last 2 sentances.  Ok? Ok.

It’s odd, because I don’t feel like I was a neglected child. Someones got some ‘splanin to do.

 Manicures don’t help. Acrylic nails don’t help. (those are super fun to bite off, and only ruin my nails worse). I had a friend growing up whose step dad threatened to pee on her hands if he caught her chewing her nails. I think that worked for her. Maybe if I dipped my fingers in hot pepper juice every day I could quit. But I know me, I would just end up blind because I rub my eyes all the time.

I wish my hands weren’t so ugly. I have big boy hands. I actually have my mom’s hands. So I guess I don’t mind so much how they look. I see them every day and think about her. Finger nails will never make my hands cute.

I have no idea why I have shared this pointless info with you. I apologize.

-m

how ’bout them cowgirls?

I listen to the radio when I drive. Just the plain ol FM radio. I don’t have XM anymore, and never really used it when I did. My car is too old to have fancy plug-ins for my Ipod, and fm transmitters have it in for me, I am sure of it.

Oh wait! I have a cd player. I could play cds… no. no. I can’t.  Currently (and for the past 4+ years) there has been a cd stuck in it. And it’s not even one of my favorite cds… it’s of a former local band, Promise the Ghost. Don’t get me wrong, they are amazing! But I can only listen to the same 4 songs over and over for so many years before I want something different. I think if Turn the Radio Off or Quality Softcore was in there I would be ok. Except, I am not sure what I would do when I sold the car!

So, I listen to the radio. Here in the Ham there isn’t much choice in stations. It’s country, talk radio, talk radio, talk radio, pop, pop, classic rock, or county. Or country. Oh and sometimes there is that one (all of em) station that plays the same 4 songs on a continuous loop all day…

I was heading to go pick up an Otterbox for my new Iphone and  a George Strait song came on. I am normally a big George fan, but his “How ’bout them cowgirls?” song is low on my list of favorites. Today one verse caught my ear:

 Boy, she don’t need you and she don’t need me
She can do just fine on her own two feet
But she wants a man who wants her to be herself
And she’ll never change, don’t know how to hide
Her stubborn will or her fightin’ side
But you treat her right and she’ll love you like no one else

 

I like when lyrics that you have heard a hundred times jump out at you and have new meaning. I am definitely not a cowgirl… but I have to agree with George on this one. I have learned (and have known deep down the whole time) that I can do this shit by myself. I am a big girl and I can handle EVERYTHING life hands me. And handle it well for the most part. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to share this life with someone, but I know I am not giving up the dreams, wants and wishes because someone else doesn’t want me to have those dreams, wants and wishes. It’s not worth giving up so much of me, just to be someone else for somebody.

I am definitely capable of doing fine on my own two feet. I will forever be myself. I won’t change that again for anyone. I had learned that lesson 10+ years ago, but I forgot it along the way.

The stubborn-hard-headed-ness is genetic and unfortunately the government hasn’t found a cure for that yet!

As for the “fightin’ side”… I have found more and more of that in me. I have always been passionate about my friends, family and kiddos… but the older I get the more crazy I am willing to be about them! I have found quite a bit of “feisty bitch” inside recently. She has always been there, but went into hiding for a while. She is fighting to get to the surface, and sometimes I let her.

And finally.. that last line is the truth. It doesn’t really take much to keep me happy (though there might be an ex or 2 that argue that!)

Chocolate, stability, friendship, love, laughs and a man who will buy me shoes!  Ha!

-m

 

 

my google calendar is a rainbow of fun

 I am a pretty busy girl. I stay busy so that I don’t completely go insane. In the process of staying busy, I am completely insane!

I started using the calendar on google a few months ago. I am a huge fan of an actually paper planner in my purse at all times, but I am trying to get away from that. Eventually I will own a smart phone and it will be right there at my fingertips.

I like that you can set up separate calendars to show different types of events. Currently I have 8 different colors that represent 8 different items through out my month…

Makin the Moolah                 Birthdays and Anniversaries            Fun Stuff – Friends

Fun Stuff – Kiddos                  Hatred and Anger (aka workouts)    Other

Photography                            Roll Tide Roll

 

My calendar is PRETTY. And packed! I like it that way

Did you notice none of those say “sit my happy ass on the couch and do nothing”? I am horrible at that!

Mainly it’s packed with makin the moolah, and fun stuff.  I work all day and then cram my afternoons and evenings with awesome people and great times.

I am actually excited to be adding more “Hatred and anger (aka workouts) to my days. Don’t tell Mike,  but I actually enjoyed walking 4 miles in the torrential down pour Sunday night. I feel better already and can’t wait (did I say that out loud?) for the next workout. Even though my legs hurt like hell, I am liking it.

And most importantly my Saturdays are soon to be filled with friends, food and football! I am pumped about  September 4th. Not only do I get to celebrate the 2nd annual M&M day with my great friend Mandy, but we get to yell and scream at the tv while Bama plays ball.

The rest of this week will be working the 2nd job, a baseball game and cheep beer, working out, volunteering for BAAM!, listening to great music and maybe a trip to the Museum of Art.

Next week will be a little slower til I fly out on Thursday to visit my friend Ben. I can’t wait to spend a few days in a new city with an old friend. My camera will be well used that weekend!

I am excited to be doing new things, meeting new people, and enjoying the life I have.  I am finding it easier to express myself. whether it be through this blog, talking to a stranger, making new friends, or scribbling out my thoughts on a random scrap paper. I am finding it easier to keep my head up and enjoy the good things in my day-to-day life. As I read back through this, I laugh because I was frustrated with life when I started typing, but look at all the good and fun stuff I have going on…that makes me happy.

-m

skinny jeans. oh god no. proof.

Please read this 1st. Or don’t. But if you don’t this post won’t really make much sense.

Told you the shoes were bad ass. And they were actually kind of comfortable. Til I got blisters on the tops of my toes. (That’s ok, I had a pair of flip(pem) flops in my purse…I came prepared)

I am not posting the full picture. Yeah. The picture. That my sweet Aunt Becky had to take of me before I left the house. Like I was going to prom. I look like a goob. A hot goob, but still a goob!

Anyway, there is the proof of my wearing of the skinny jean. Don’t worry now that I have a pair, they will be out of fashion in about 8.7 days. I am not totally sold on them, but I gave them  a shot.

Let’s not talk about my flinging butter off my knife and almost hitting the guy sitting at the table next to us. Or missing my mouth and spilling my dirty martini down my shirt.  Or when I fell down bowling. On. The. First. Frame. Yeah, let’s not discuss those things. I am considering blaming it on the jeans.

Minus my stupid klutzy nature, it was a really fun night. But I think next time I am wearing a pair of good ol boot cut jeans and my tennis shoes.  Or my pjs.

-m

my life changes and so do my goals

I have been working my way through my 101 in 1001 list. Due to the life changes I am smack dab in the middle of, many of the items on my list are impossible right now. So many of them are “nesting” things. Unpacking, organizing, refinishing, etc… Considering all of my things are in storage… those things are not gonna happen anytime soon. 
I am in a big ol rut, trying to entertain myself and keep my mind off of the changes and uncertainty in my life right now. I started thinking about my 101, and what I can accomplish from it right now. Some of the ones I can still do: 

15.Get my passport (though I don’t know where I would go with it right now!!) 18.Read Dark Tower series again

 35. See Courtney

 50. Spend a weekend in a town I haven’t ever been to, being a tourist - totally hitting Charlotte, NC in a few weeks! So excited to hang out with a friend in a new place!

 61. Get another tattoo - this one is weighing heavy on me right now… just gotta part with the funds and the skin to get it done. Well, and decide what I want exactly

 64. Go camping. like in a tent. ha! (this may be the least likely of all of em!) I think it’s about 3000 degrees too hot for this right now though! And I just watched a show about bear attacks, I am not cool with that!

 74. renew my library card.

 77. Spend a day/weekend being a tourist in my town… Vulcan, Museums, etc

 81. take one picture a day for 30 days. and post them

 85. go to the zoo

 91. Learn to drive a 5 speed vehicle

    I think #81 will start today. I haven’t been carrying my camera around with me much recently, or at all. (shocker, I know.) I have had so many pictures to catch up on editing. Now that I have completed that, I can start shooting again. I have missed it, but I was overwhelmed with the amount of full memory cards I had lying around!

So, when I find myself bored out of my skull… Maybe I can be reminded to do something from this list. 

Also, I feel the need to add to the list… I have found myself face to face with this fear of being alone. There are things that I am uncomfortable doing, but I keep finding myself wanting to push myself a little more. Mainly its facing being lonely.  

• Eat in a restaurant alone/Go  to the movies alone.
• Take a road trip or vacation by myself.
• Jump out of a plane… (*gasp. I know. this one is complete BS. It’s my “hell no. there is no way in hell” item. But the older I get the more I just wanna see if I can do it.)

We’ll see how this goes. I seriously don’t see me jumping out of a plane anytime soon… but you never know! 

  

-m