dear mom,

Hey Momma!

It’s been 7 years since I have been able to celebrate your birthday and mother’s day with you. It’s been a little over 6 since I have heard your voice and seen you smile.

Sometimes Mother’s day and your birthday fall on the same weekend. Those were always the perfect weekends for me to jump in the car and come celebrate with you. Now all I can do is reflect on the memories I have and post a “Happy birthday mom” blog or Facebook status.

This past weekend was both. Your birthday was Saturday. You would have been 53. You always said you wouldn’t make it to 50, and I knew it was true. I never even tried to imagine you at this age. When I try now I can’t. I just see you as you were before you were sick. Long hair, those god awful sunglasses, a cup of ice to crunch on, and your fantastic smile. I hear your laugh and your voice and smell your perfume. (this morning I took the bottle out of the cabinet just so I could smell you for a moment.)

I kept myself busy this weekend so that I didn’t have time to sit in a corner and cry. I miss you everyday.

My life is also crazy busy and full of new experiences.

How do you feel about being a grandma? To a  baby. I know you loved your granddog, and your 1st grand kid, Tori. But I think you would be thrilled to see me getting fat. You always thanked me for ruining your figure. I now understand and can’t wait to blame this baby for the same thing.

It’s a little boy. We found out last week. We are naming him Beck. After Aunt Becky. I spent Mother’s day with her on Sunday and was able to surprise her with that bit of info. She was tickled that we were naming him after her. She deserves it. She has been so wonderful to me since you have been gone. I am not sure what I would do with out her. Plus, our family names are just not meant to be passed down! I doubt he would want to be a Frank, or a Verla!

Baby Beck will be here in September. I know that the closer it gets the more I will miss you. I know that the day he is born I will be overwhelmed with love and emotion. I also know that I will be thinking of you. I only hope that I will love him like you loved me. Unconditionally and completely. I hope he and I have the relationship you and I did, except on a daily basis, not just for 7 weeks a year. I hope I don’t screw him up too bad and I hope he loves me like I love you. I can’t wait to tell him about his “Granny Kermit” (ha!). I also can’t wait to tell him “I brought you in this world, I can take you out!”

I wish you were here so you could listen to me complain about my pregnancy woes. I wish you were here to tell me it was all going to be ok. I wish you were here so I could see the look on your face when you saw him for the 1st time. I wouldn’t take you back one day sick, but oh how I wish you were here.

I miss you.

Love,

Lissa

forgotten dreams and lost blogs

*last night I woke up crying about my mom. It’s the 1st time that has happened in a long time. I don’t remember the dream, or what made me so sad. It might come back to me as this day goes on, it probably wont. I would rather it not.
I was digging through drafts of old blogs that I haven’t finished or posted. I am a day late on my “Sound track of my life” Sunday post, and I was hoping I had already started the next one.
Instead I found this one. Based on the permalink, I wrote it on 9/29/2010. It’s funny how little changes (and how much changes) in a couple of months.
So… this is the post I found and had not finished.
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I try not to miss her. But I do. Everyday.

I have spent a lot of time alone recently and I am learning to be comfortable in my own silence. Or at least talk to myself less. I am not completely succeeding at either.

There are days… all of them… that I want to pick up the phone and call my mom. I still know her phone number by heart. Even though she hasn’t been on the other end of it in 6+ years. For a long time after her death I would actually pick up the phone and start to dial. Then remember that she wasn’t there to answer it.

I was hanging out with myself monday night, questioning life, love and the pursuit of my own happiness. It’s times like those when I miss her most. The times when I just want to pick up the phone and say “hey, what do I do?” When all my friends have heard all my stories and I don’t have anyone else to tell about the cute new boy I met, or my plans to buy a house, or my fear of flying and spiders, I just want to call her. I want to call her because she knew what was wrong with me before I do. She knew from the tone in my voice if I needed her to be nice, funny, bitchy or honest. Truthfully I got all of those things from her whether I needed them or not.

I hope when the time comes for me to fall in love, maybe get married again, and possibly have babies I can do it with out her. It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t know her, how much I am like her. It’s hard to think about going through a pregnancy and a birth without her there to laugh at me. I hope that when I am rocking her grandchildren to sleep in her rocking chair, I can tell them stories about her. I hope that even if all they have is a picture to recognize her by, they will know that she would have loved them unconditionally and spoiled them rotten.

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I am sure I quit writing when the tears started…

That last paragraph is something I have had a major problem wrapping my head around since mom died. Every girl having her 1st baby should have their mom to help them and drive them crazy! I have always wondered how I would handle it. I am so fortunate to have strong, wonderful women in my life that will step in and be a “mom” for me. It’s not the same, but it’s still amazing.

As much as I wish mom were here to be my friend and give me advice, I have found some major peace in my life recently all by myself. Through all the stress and craziness of life, I have found my own center, my own stability. The me I used to be, and the me I want to be. I knew she was hiding in there somewhere. I am glad to have that balance right now. I hope this life continues on the path it’s on. I am sure there will be bumps, hurdles and full-blown road blocks along the way, but I am stronger and better than I have ever been. That makes me feel freaking amazing.

Reading the words above makes me tear up. As do most things I write about mom. Any memory I have of her takes me back to the good, the bad and the ugly about our relationship and her last months here on earth. I also go back to the years that were nothing but good times and great laughs. I don’t think there will ever be a day that I don’t want to pick up the phone and call her.

I am rambling now. The same mom ramble that happens every time I start writing about her. I guess I just don’t have anything new to say, since it’s all memories and “I wish’s”.

These posts are more for me to get those same emotions out. I write things like this and tell myself that next time I will write some funny story about mom. Like the duck poop story, or the time she parked in the breeze way at the apartment, or when she made me ride home in my undies because I was drenched from playing in the fountain at Mud Island. Maybe I have told those stories already? Maybe I  haven’t. Maybe I will. They are really only funny to me.

ok Debbie downer. Damn.

-m

*Even after all that I am in an amazing mood. This life has surprised the shit out of me recently and I am ecstatic about it. I haven’t totally found my christmas spirit, but I am excited about the short work week and seeing my friends and family this week to celebrate the holidays! I am excited about the memories I am making right now with an amazing man. I am excited about tomorrow and the next day and the next. I am severely high on life at the moment. It’s good stuff.

my sad little spot in my world

*I wrote this Sunday night…

I still go to Arkansas to see family and friends.  Now I just have to go visit most of them at the cemetery.

I am not a cemetery kind of girl. I just don’t need to go to a spot to remember someone. But, if I am going to Arkansas anyway, I am going to always stop by.

The last thing I did on my way home today was drive a couple of miles out of my way to go say hi to my grandparents and my mom. It’s been well over a year since I went last. I had a hard time with the drive.  I had a hard time turning into the little white church’s parking lot. I had a hard time walking down to the spots where my grandparents and mom are. I always do.

Then, as usual,  I just stood there and got pissed because no one takes care of the cemetery and the dirt has eroded in spots on mom and there are huge holes. I always promise her I will bring dirt next time and fix it. I never do.

It’s been a long time since I have cried over the loss of my mother. I mean, I cry. But not the sobbing, hysterical, give myself a headache kind of cry. Today I was reminded that it still hurts and I can still be hysterical about the absence of my mother. After standing over my mom’s grave, talking to her like an idiot, I sat in my car and sobbed. and sobbed. and sobbed. Then I accidentally honked the horn with my head. So I quit sobbing and laughed.  I gathered myself and headed toward the interstate. It took me about 150 miles to shake the absolute sadness that had engulfed me. And as I write this now, it comes back.

I say the same things over and over when I write about mom. I really don’t know what else to say. I miss her. I love her. I don’t wish for her back, because I wouldn’t take her back one day sick. But I sure do fucking miss her.

I can’t write anymore. I really have a hard time seeing through these stupid tears.

This is the saddest place in my world.  When I see that name with those dates underneath, I am reminded that the pain is still as fresh as it felt on that last day.

(I promise to have many more uplifting, less depressing blogs from my fantastic weekend! This one just needed to be written first I think.)
-m

JDRF’s Walk to Cure Diabetes Sept 25th

For the 2nd year, I’ll be taking part in JDRF’s Walk to Cure Diabetes in September here in Alabama. Last year was so much fun! I am, again, the team Captain for our company team and I am having fun coming up with ways to get my co-workers to sign up and help raise money. So far I am bribing them with surprises and t-shirts!

 Here is an excerpt from the JDRF ”please donate to me” letter! If gives you a little bit of info on this cause.

Many people think type 1 diabetes can be controlled by insulin. While insulin does keep people with type 1 diabetes alive, it is NOT a cure. Aside from the daily challenges of living with type 1 diabetes, there are many severe, often fatal, complications caused by the disease.

Type 1, or juvenile, diabetes, is a devastating disease that affects millions of people, a large and growing percentage of them children.

There is some good news, though. JDRF is our best hope for finding a cure. It funds more type 1 diabetes research than any other charity worldwide and it’s making progress along many promising paths toward better treatments and a cure.

Together, we can make the cure a reality.

I would also like to throw in that JDRF (Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation) is one of the top non-profit orginizations in the country. 80% of ever dollar raised goes directly into research and development.

I am hoping that with each dollar donated we will find ourselves closer and closer to a cure. So much has been accomplished due to the JDRF already. My mom, Donna Gay, is (as always) my inspiration for being a part of this. She lost her life long fight with diabetes in February of 2005 at the age of 46. I hope that the research and development that comes from this fundraiser helps others live longer, healthier lives. Diabetes can be a deadly disease, hopefully soon no one will have to suffer because of it.

Won’t you please give to JDRF as generously as you’re able? I am not one to ask for much, and honestly feel odd sending out a mass email or blogging for money… But even if you can only donate $1, that could be the dollar that finds the cure.

Please visit my Walk Web page if you would like to donate online or see how close I am to reaching my personal goal

Thanks!

-m

sometimes it’s the little things

Sometimes it’s the little things that come out of no where and make you feel better.

This showed up when I needed it most…

Rainbows always make me think of mom. I have a memory about a double rainbow and the 1st day of pre-school… but it’s really foggy and could be a complete figment of my imagination. I do know mom had pictures of a double rainbow and I am sure it’s from the same clouded memory I have as a child. Isn’t it funny how memories work. I block so much of my child hood that I question the memories I do have as “real”. I wish mom was around so I could verify some of them!

-m

memories, old blogs and mom

A facebook ”friend” posted something about his livejournal page that he had not logged into since 2008. I thought it would be fun to see the last time I was there. It was January of 2005. I had only posted 5 “blogs”. I am sure I quit/forgot about it due to mom’s death in February.

But I read through those 5 blogs and this one made me a little sad…

2004.12.07 01.21 hmm… well my 25th bday is now 1 hr and 22 minutes behind me. Another year til the next birthday. Blah. it’s down hill from here! I had and awesome birthday party at the highnote! thanks to all my friends there! Especially Sam and Catherine for hosting the event and cleaning up after the cake explosion! taking care of my mom is wearing on me. Not too sure how to handle it all. She is only 46 and dying. And i am here cleaning up after her at every turn. Like raising a child with out being able to reprimand or punish. long time since i posted. No one reads any way. Not too into the live journal “friends” i guess. I only read my brothers posts.. and my friend glas. I guess I haven’t taken the time to really figure out how it all works night night

 

It’s the mention of my mom that makes me sad. This was written almost exactly 2 months before she died. At this point she was in the hospital more than she was out. We were paying a sitter to be with her during the time I was at work. I was working 40 hours a week, taking her to and from dialysis 3 days a week, cooking her dinner (because she wouldn’t let anyone else do it), cleaning up after her… it goes on and on and on. It really was like raising a child. except in reverse. I never ever regret taking care of her. Looking back I have no idea how I did it. Honestly.

I want to document that time in my life. I am afraid if I write it out, it will just seem like I am complaining. But maybe if I tell you about it, I will be able to let some of it go. Like mom’s last words to me were “quit being mean to me Melissa”… how’s that for a goodbye? (I wasn’t being mean… just trying to convince her she was ok. I was wrong.) Sometimes I have a memory and think… I need to blog that. Then I will have it forever. I really, really think I am going to start telling mom stories. The ones that make me laugh and smile, the ones she would never want me to tell! Not because I want others to read them, just because I want them. Then when I start to forget, I can just come remind myself here. I am already starting to forget and that makes me almost hysterical with grief.

5 years later… I am 30.5 and single and “homeless”. I wanted more than this. I am ok with the age, and the single. The homelessness will change soon and that is good. But I am in a place right now that I never ever dreamed I would be at this age. I want to believe I will live a long life, but we never know how it will play out. So living this life I have right now the way that makes me happy is most important. It’s what mom would tell me to do if she were here to tell me. Well, that and  “are you dying? ok then… shut up and move on!”

Man I miss her.

 

-m

Dear Mom,

I wonder if I can do this without tears. Probably not…

Dear Mom. Mother. The Real one,

1st of all. Happy Birthday. It’s that time of year again where I miss you a million times more than normal. It’s that time of year again when I hate the damn Mother’s day commercials and suggestions for gifts. It’s that time of year again when I have to remind myself that I am a mom too, and I learned from the best.

I wanted to come see you this weekend and place flowers on your grave, but I decided that you would rather me be with the living people in my life, not crying over you. Don’t worry, Kem came by and left one for me. She will be back to fix the holes above you, since the cemetery people suck. She misses you a ton too. We talk about you a lot.

Tori will be 15 this summer! Can you believe it? Who knew 9 years ago when I met her that she would grow up into such a beautiful (wild, nothing but trouble) young woman. You would be amazed at how much she looks like me.. and how much she reminds me of you. Obviously she takes after me! (see wild, trouble above!)

I need you sometimes. More often than not. I wish I could hear your voice. Sometimes I still hear it in my dreams, but haven’t seen you there in a while. I hope you are doing good wherever you are. Tell Granny and Pa hello for me. I miss them tons too. I have put all of the family recipes in a book and I am working my way through cooking them. I love seeing your handwriting staring back at me from the paper. It’s not as hard as it used to be. I still struggle reading your letters, but I am so thankful for the love on those pages.  I haven’t tried the Banana Pudding yet… but maybe it won’t be soup for me!

Ohh… and I wish you could see facebook! You would LOVE it! so many people on there have found me that knew you. It’s so great to talk to them and catch up. Aunt Kat found me, Angela and the kids are there, Cindy too… Plus I have gotten to see some great highschool pictures of you!I even found Rick Carter and Telluride. I may even go see them play in a few weeks. I will probably cry through Birmingham Tonight. Because it reminds me of you. Of course!

5 years later and I wonder if I will ever make it through certain days without crying. I can’t even fathom that its been that long and so much has changed.

This would have been year 52 for you! It makes me giggle because I know you would hate it! You always told me you wouldn’t see 50, and I knew you were right.  I don’t even know if I can imagine you 50+? I am so thankful for the time we had, even though the end was rough. There are a lot of things I would do different given the chance, but I guess that’s what life is about. I would have hugged you more. And I would have held your hand at the end. I just didn’t know that was my last chance.

You were absolutely the best friend I have ever had. Your unconditional love is appreciated still, even though I don’t think I knew what I had til it was gone. Thank you for making me who I am. You are the best mom I could have ever asked for. Thanks for the love and the hugs and the laughs and the phone calls.  Thanks for teaching me how to cross stitch. Thanks for driving so far to come get me when you were allowed. Thanks for teaching me how to talk, and then not ever telling me to stop! Thanks for always knowing what to say and when to say it. Thanks for teaching me all the good cuss words. Thanks for telling me I was beautiful and for letting me wear clothes that didn’t match. Thanks for loving my friends and accepting everyone how they were. Thanks for believing in me. Thanks for being you.

I miss you.

Love,

Lissa

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#6 “in pictures” I am cheating this week.

Ok, I am cheating this week. I haven’t taken the 1st picture. It’s been a rough, emotional week. I didn’t even write the “Mom blog” on Wednesday that I wanted to write.

So, I am using some old pictures as my #6 picture blog…

Donkey Kong Shirt and OFF (mosquitos still love me!)

Me and mom

Mom and Tori

My Granny (Verla O'Neal)

how sweet is this! Frank and Neal (my Grandpa and Granny)

I will try to do better this week!

-m

my love of animals

I am sure that from a young age I loved animals. (See pictures below!)

I am also sure that I inherited that trait from my mom. When I was born she had this horrible white poodle named Daggit G Little Butt. (Daggit for short!) I am not sure why that name, my mom was a little off!

That dog HATED me. She was extremely unhappy that Granny brought me in the house, and didn’t take me with her when she left. Mom also had taken in a pregnant dog she named Sassy. Sassy was a wonderful dog who love me. Sassy finished her life with my Grandmother and Papa. I wish I had been able to spend more time with her.

There was also Ginger (my 1st cat) who reproduced all the cats in Forrest City! She had litter after litter every year. Most were given away, some got eaten by snakes, some hit by cars… one of our favorites to survive was Bud. When I was a “tween” Granny told me that Ginger had gone to live on a farm to chase mice!

Mom loved any stray that showed up and did her best to feed them and find them homes. She even had a “pet” squirrel named Baby. She fed the squirrels outside, this one always came to the screen when she called it and let her feed it out of her hand.

Like mom, my life has always been filled with animals. At one point a few years ago I had 2 dogs, 2 cats, a snake, a hamster, a husband and a kid. Now I am down to my wonderful dogs and my snake (plus the kid occasionally!)  Xan is my husky. Nellie is my heirloom dog. (She was my granny’s, then my mom’s, now mine>). Virginia is my ball python. Mom called Xan her Grand-dog, and Virginia her Grand-snake!

Here’s a few pictures to prove my point!

mom and sassy

Daggit G Little Butt

this makes me laugh!

I don't remember this one's name

Mom and Bud

-m

hold your breath for luck

Another one of my favorites (I think I have too many!) of my mom and I. This was taken on a big boat on the Mississippi River. One of those boats with the big water wheel…I don’t know what they are called.

I honestly don’t remember anything about this day, except that Mom’s boyfriend, Ben, took the pic. I wish I could find Ben. He was one of my favorite “mom’s boyfriends.” Probably b/c he was young and always did the fun kid stuff with me. Climb trees, play in fountains, go carts, video games, and rides at Liberty Land in Memphis. We rode one round and round ride til we threw up. He also taught me how to beat Mario Brothers 2.

Ok, so this blog isn’t about Ben… but I do have fond memories of him.

I love this picture of mom and me. It was taken the summer of 1990. I was 10. Those glasses and our matching shirts make me giggle. We always seemed to match for some reason. We thought it was cute.

Not only would we wear matching clothes, we would actually go out in public that way! Mom humored me for the most part, I think.

Oh… another thing about this pic. Do you see the bridges behind us? One of those is a railroad bridge. The other is a car bridge. Mom and I used to hold our breath as we drove from Arkansas to Tennessee (or the other way).  Mom said it was bad luck not to. It is HARD! It’s a long bridge! I still hold my breath over bridges like that. And every time I cross that bridge I smile, take a deep breath, and put the pedal to the metal.

-m